Sometime, in this world, words loses its meaning and we communicate by way of certain electric signals. We just sense it, we just know it, and we don't even have to say it.
It happened when I saw Michael.
He had blonde hair with blue eyes, and he rarely smiled. The words that came out of his mouth were often humorous, but his eyes seemed so dead. Not a hint of hope nor happiness. He seemed to me that he detested cheerful, timid people.
I was cheerful and timid. I often emitted words that were meaningless out of cowardice. I had no strength inside me to resist that force. The force to be sweet and kind. I filled my heart with sweet and kind words out of fear. Of fear to be left alone.
He was the other way around. His candy jar was empty. He didn't serve words to please anyone.
Even when the candies were ordered, he resisted that force, and served instead, words that were bitter and violent. Everyone seemed to be displeased by them, and made a frowning face.
I was dazzled by his words. "How beautiful." I listened to it, and felt that it was rocking my soul. "Oh wow." If this happens it means that I like it. When I showed that I liked his words very much, people asked me, "Do you know what he is saying?" I said. "Not really. No. I don't think so. "
It seemed to me, that most of the people were reacting to the meaning of the words. But I was just simply reacting to how he phrased it. I had no judgment over his remarks. His words were silent and sincere. How could he be so silent and sincere if he were truly violent and bitter ? Those two qualities seemed incompatible to me. And I chose to believe that he was sincere and silent.
One time, I was left inside a very small room with him. We were both silent. I had nothing to say to him, and he had nothing to say to me. But at the same time the atmosphere radically changed when we were left alone. I felt that we needed no words, and we both knew it. He knew that I thought of him as a sincere person, and I was not afraid of him. And I knew he thought that I was timid and cheerful, but that was just a pose.
Are there any exception to a rule? Can he be friends with what he truly despises?
I often wondered. NO he cant. He cannot become friends with me because I will emit words that are timid and sweet, and he would find it so tedious. But as long as I don't phrase it, it might happen. As long as I never say a thing to him. It might happen. As long as I show that I have nothing to say to him. It might happen. As long as I show fear, it might happen.
I felt this force to remain silent. Even to say hello was forbidden. When I looked at him in his eyes his eyes said to me, "Don't you dare say hello to me". I submitted to that order and never said hello to him. And when I sense him walking behind me I quickened my pace to show that I was nervous. He seemed to like that very much and started to make louder noise in walking. I started to sweat. But was I afraid? No. I wasn't. Was I nervous? Not at all. I just, naturally, submitted to the force.
Submitting to some force is really my strength.
投稿者 Asako Yuki 時刻: 8:17