2017年9月22日金曜日


 How yo create hope.
I come back to my room, sit and contemplate and sort through everything that I felt that day.
Not ever thing that I have seen, but everything that  I felt. My diary always lack facts because facts never impress me.  What I saw is what I felt. I only see what I feel. 

 I went into a restaurant and had some food. I opened my notebook and started writing a monologue.
 And when I finished eating I stood up and took the red check in my head. The lady who works at the restaurant told me " You never take your time to eat. You eat so fast."  

I went upstairs and headed to the register. "Already done? You eat so fast." "Really? I never noticed that." "Did you lose weight?" "Nop  Its coming back."  

I went to buy some coffee and the barista took my order without smiling. I look at her face and wonder whether anybody points that out.  Or perhaps smiles are taken for granted too much,  Maybe we should earn her smile. And when we did, we would feel more happy than that smile given out for free. Oh finally she smiled at me. 

 My smile is taken for granted. I smile because I feel its my duty to not ruin peoples day.
 I smile because it is a pleasant feeling.  I amile because I want life to be joyous. I laugh because I am also very timid. I laugh because that makes things easier.

 But suddenly, without even a warning, I stop smiling.  I  just notice that I can no longer smile.

  One time I had a very close friend and we used to share everything together. We shared every details of our lives together and I listened and pay attention and gave word to her. I placed her words inside my body and tried to sort out how I felt, What I did not notice was what I was absorbing. I was absorbing her words and her ways of seeing. I was absorbing her feelings about this world. And by the time I noticed, I lost all the words to say to her.  Her words were pernicious for my body. I started to block them. My body started to re-act against them because every word that she was emitting was untrue.  All that I knew was that she was losing it.

 That is not a rare thing. Everybody loses it. Everybody choose to lose it. Its their choice. Its how they cope with reality.  The feeling of self pity.  Its an easy way out. I won't condemn them.  Oh no, I do.
I do condemn them.  " You just took the easy way out, so blaim it on yourself. Its no one else's fault"

 Not having to change is the easy way out. Accepting the reality as it is is a easy way out.
 Reality is always in the making. We create this world. We are all part of it. and we are not the outsider. We are not the guest sitting on a comfortable red sofa, with a cup of coca cola in our hand. We are all inside of it, and everything we do, will change this world. Every word we emit will change this world.

 But not one really cares.

 I know how to create hope because I learned it from the master of hope, I call him my master because I loved his eyes.I loved the way he looked at this world. When he fell ill I felt my heart sinking. I didn't know what to say. I just needed to say something,  But any words felt futile.  Anything that I say would never help this man. I knew that he was  much stronger than me, even if his body was weakening.  I could only think of being honest to him.
  I wrote to him that I needed his help. I need him to exist because I need his words. I need his bright eyes to watch me so that I won't lose faith anymore. I asked him to give me the power that i need so that I could feel free to be myself.

After I sent this letter I felt such strong feeling of self-loathing. How selfish am I to ask for help to someone who is suffering more than I ?

 But then I noticed. That he got it. He got message. He knew exactly what I was trying to say.
 That there is hope. That we could dance together again. That he is going to live because I need him to. And I still dance with him inside my head. And He still gives me so much power and I create hope from that. That I met him makes me feel, that life is not that bad. And I sincerely hope he felt that way when he found me.  His smile was free, and his kindness was often taken for granted, but he didn't seem to care so much because that was how he wanted to live.

 "You should always feel free to live the way you want to."

 Ok, I will I wil boss. I will live the way I want to.


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