Me and my friend, we were both talking about how we like to shop. And I said I never have regrets over the things that I buy because it is always about that moment. That moment, that place, I feel my soul shivering from excitement to see "Something New" and then the next thing is that I want to include it in my life to see what would happen.
My Closet is the collection of those moments, and sometimes I make mistakes and buy something that I really didn't need. But that could also be recorded as my moment. Its just like keeping a diary, or making a scrapbook. I just want to know what I am at that moment and I could define it in so many ways. By the things I buy or desire, by the things I write, by the pictures that I take, by the music that I listen to...
Recording the mistakes is as important as recording the right things that I have done. And may I be honest, I rarely make the right decision. I make so many mistakes its un-imaginable. And to hide it would be to hide who I am.
I am always in search for the things that makes my soul shiver. And as to why it shivers I never know. The reason comes after it.
The world is a rather deceptive place where it makes you desire things you don't need. And it is difficult not to be controlled by this force. I try to train myself not to be controlled by it. The best way is to follow my heart however senseless it may seem. However strong the force is I say no when my heart says no. And however useless it may seem, I say yes when my heart keeps on pounding.
I always feel at that moment when I see "It" , "You are the only thing that I need and nothing else. " I touch them with my fingers and invite them over to my room. "Come inside and join my party, and now that you have stepped in, you should know that you are a part of me and my life."
It is when I succumb to some force that I regret my decision. When I follow my heart I rarely do.
Whatever the outcome I could take responsibility for my decision.
One time when thought that I was in love I just wished that I would have a chance to see that person again. And then it happened, and I bumped into that person several times. It was as if, the world was telling me to go ahead and seek what I desired. My eyes dazzled at the sight of that person. And words started to float out of my mouth as if everything were scripted.
And when everything started falling apart, the story that I desired so strongly started to turn into something mediocre. There was the other girl, and she started to send me mails to remind me that I was the other girl and that that person had been lying to me. All I could say was that all the melo-dramatic lines didn't interest me very much. It just failed to send any message other than the fact that she was upset that me and her partner were exchanging letters to each other.
I don't remember exactly what I have written to her, but I just sent one mail. That whatever the circumstance is, it was me that liked that person. And that I cannot hold grudge because I believed in her partner's words. Even if it were lies it was my decision to believe in them.
I immediately deleted all the mails that I have exchanged until then. Not because I wanted to hide it, but because I was afraid I couldn't find beauty in the words any more.
When I look back to the whole story, I feel tempted to write about what had happened because there was a lesson to be learned. That I had a story in my mind that I desired and I have written all lines for it, and so the world gave me the opportunity to act upon it. And the story was realised. We started to exchange words and we thought we understood each other well and we even used the word love to define how we felt. But when I did use that phrase I felt the word was stronger than what I was feeling. That I was forcing the word to my feeling because the story was already written and I had to use that term. Isn't that what every story needs? I dropped the very essence towards my story because I wanted it to be a good one. But the feeling couldn't catch up to it. I was the director and also the actor, and the actor couldn't feel what the director wanted her to feel.
We sometimes force a word to a feeling and put a corset so that it becomes amiable. And the corset is so strong and tight, that the emotion dies underneath it.
And it is only when when we don't force a corset to a feeling, that it could go on breathing.
Giving word to a feeling is also about making it immobile. Shaping it and giving contours is also about throwing away all the indefinite possibilities and choosing only one word.